Saturday, 2 December 2006

Frustrated, Angry, Hurt

I'm not entirely sure that I should blog today as I am not in the best of moods! Those of you who read my MSN Space will know that my Dad has severe arthritis in his right knee. You will also know that it took many months of nagging to get him to go to the doctors in the first place. It got to the stage about 6 months ago where he couldn't even walk to the shop across the road from his house let alone walk to my house, do his shopping etc. He kept telling me that he couldn't do something because he was too busy and I was very hurt that he thought I was stupid enough to believe all the rubbish that was coming out of his mouth. Anyway the day finally came today for his appointment at the hospital to see a consultant surgeon. Well I am so livid! He lied about how much it bothered him, lied about how many cigarettes he smoked when he was asked, said he had an allotment and a garden at home and led the surgeon to believe he was still able to do it so I had to open my mouth and say that he had a hell of a smoker's cough and it was ages since he'd been able to do his allotment. He said it wasn't it was only a few weeks so I told the truth and said it was 6 months. Rather than have surgery he asked if there was any pills he could take so he said he could take pills for it but he may find that they don't work that well and he's also sending him for physiotherapy to see if that helps. So now instead of maybe waiting 3 to 6 months for an operation had he gone on the waiting list today he's going to be waiting a damned site longer. I just can't understand him as he's so used to being active and independant. I am sorry if you think I'm being hard on him but it is left down to me to do his shopping and everything else he can't do( even down to buying a Christmas card for my DH and I). If I were an only child I think I would probably just accept it ( I would still be angry at him for not taking the opportunity for a new lease of life) but I am not yet it's all left down to me. I'm afraid if my sister says anything to me about my Dad probably being scared or anything like that I will simply blow and she will see a side of me she never has before. There will be years of my pent up emotions from when it was down to me to look after my Mum. What with Christmas shopping and food shopping for him I don't know if I'm coming or going and today was just the final straw. I can't make up my mind whether I want to cry, punch a pillow or have a damned good scream!


Heather said...

[I can't make up my mind whether I want to cry, punch a pillow or have a damned good scream!]

Do all 3 Sally, I would.

Taking it from an only child's point of view - my Dad, frightened/worried or not, would be going for that operation because I would just tell him to stop acting like a child and get the help he needs. Just think of what I had to say & do to make my Dad go to the doctor for those hiccups.

You're not being harsh Sally and I really can understand how frustrated/upset/worried you must be feeling.

Your Sister sounds a bit like my Aunt and believe me, I've witnessed my Mum keeping quiet over many years, let rip and give some almighty home truths in October, but Mum feels 100% better for it.

My thoughts are with you and I hope you'll be able to calm down and relax this evening.

Email me if you want to vent anymore :)


Sandra said...


I can totally understand how you feel, I'm going through the same sort of this with my Dad at the moment, we had to almost kidnap him to get him to the doctors surgery. Both my sisters live about two and a half hours away so it's left to me. One sister hasn't even phoned my Dad since he's had his latest bout of ill health and I am so very very angry with her at the moment I can hardly speak to her. I do hope things get easier for you and your dad

Claire said...

Sally perhaps if you take a bit of a back seat and not do everything for your Dad - then he may realise the true extent of his knee problems and admit that he does need the surgery. As for your sister - I would let yourself blow and give her a piece of your mind. Make her feel guilty with the lack of help and support.

It may be just what the whole situation needs!


nancy said...

Sally, I hope you were able to relax & veg a bit yesterday. I am the child who 'does' for my mom - and I won't start venting about my brother or we'll be here all day! *lol* The sanest thing you can do for yourself & your dad is decide what you can & will do for him - and what you won't. He's not making you do these things - you're deciding to do them because you love him, you feel you should, etc - but your decisions are yours, not his. And if he doesn't want to get the help he could, that's on him. It's incredibly hard to step back & not parent our parents, but his health choices are his - unless his mental health isn't good either. You can't make your sister feel guilty - and even if you could, having someone share your anger & frustration still doesn't make you feel better. You have to take care of you, Sally - you have to make yourself happy. If your dad can't get out to get you a card, but wants you to do it, say "no thanks". He can write you a note, he can make his own 'card' - asking you to buy a card for yourself is just not right. Anyway ... sorry I've gone on but I've been in your shoes & have since decided I get to be a sane adult & enjoy my life. I'll help my mom all I can but I will not give up my happiness to do so.
Take lots of deep breaths - but don't hyperventilate ;o). Email me if you want ..

Anonymous said...

Hi sally, think i too would do all three, unfortunately i lost my father when i was 16 and my mother 16 years ago so i have had none of these problems.... but i imagine it must be so frustrating when this sort of things happen, they always seem to try and make some people think that they can do this and that and their poor family is left gobsmaked and exhausted from running around after them... chin up and count to 10... piccies are good.. bye 4 now norma xxx

Karen said...

Sally I have the same problems with my dad he moans groans and cant do this or that then tells the consultant no probs just a bit stiff, I refuse to go with him now as we end up having a full scale row .
Take Care

Michele said...

Sally, I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this with your dad .. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you .. I don't .. just cyber hugs and hope you figure out how to deal with him.